he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
