you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
