walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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