I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
