I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
