party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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