Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
