Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
