I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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