ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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