i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
