Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
