I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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