I think I died a long time ago.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
