I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
