the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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