In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
