i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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