i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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