if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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