I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
