make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
