well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
