remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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