There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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