Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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