He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
