PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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