Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
