i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
