I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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