So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
