I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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