My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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