I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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