Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
