I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
