You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
