Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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