On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
