Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
