im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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