I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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