I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
