I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
