This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
