so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
