If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
