cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Hippo gnu deer
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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