oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
